There was a young woman
from Tillabook Island
whiling away the days
by the bitter cold shore.
Every night she walked the
same rocky path down to
the abandoned south beach
with its trash-littered sand.
She sat on the same rock
on which she recieved her
first kiss from a sandy-
haired boy with saltwater lips.
She called out a hello
to every blue crab that
scuttled by, the same kind
she had caught as a child.
She stayed until the sun
came up and washed away
the gray skies with streaks of
pink, orange, and pale blue.
In the sherbert-colored
morning she could see the
high-rises to the east
and the west emptiness.
She considered the west
as the birth place of the
Nothing, only she had
no hero Sebastion.
Every day it would creep
closer, and she knew it
was only a matter
of time before it came.
There were only a few
families remaining;
most fled in the face of
economy's decline.
Unemployment, and a
constant barrage from the
Nothing's favored monster:
the tempest Hurricane.
This young woman had an
old dinghy, so she ripped
down her kitchen curtains,
and rigged a make-shift sail.
On another sherbert-
colored morning she left
that old rock behind, and
settled in her sailboat.
She rode out on the waves,
pitted her skill against
that wily foe: Current.
Those left on the Island
knew that Futility:
It could not be escaped.
)
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Comments
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Unfortunately, I type faster than I think.
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Lollypops and Nightmares,
Rainbow Blight
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Unfortunately, I type faster than I think.
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Unfortunately, I type faster than I think.
on which she recieved her
first kiss from a sandy-
haired boy with saltwater lips.
I thought that it was strange to break up "sandy-haired" up in two lines, but I understand it's because of the meter. It did catch my eye, because at first, I thought it was a dash, not a hyphen.
(You misspelled "received" in the second line of the stanza by the way.
I love the phrase "saltwater lips." It's original and ties into the fact that she is by by water.
She called out a hello
to every blue crab that
scuttled by, the same kind
she had caught as a child.
I suggest changing the comma in the third line to either a period or maybe a colon. A comma doesn't seem to be doing enough.
She stayed until the sun
came up and washed away
the gray skies with streaks of
pink, orange, and pale blue.
I'm not sure about this, but I don't think the sky is normal gray before the sun comes up. It's dark, but not usually gray.
In the sherbert-colored
morning she could see the
high-rises to the east
and the west emptiness.
"Sherbert" also has an alternate spelling of "sherbet." I looked it up and both spellings seem to be acceptable, but I thought it was "sherbet." I just thought that was interesting, since Mozilla Firefox seems to be telling me it's wrong.
Since you used "to the east," maybe you should make "and the west emptiness" into "to the west, emptiness" after adding a comma after east.
There were only a few
families remaining;
most fled in the face of
economy's decline.
I'm not sure about the semi-colon after "remaining," but I could be wrong. My grammar is a little fuzzy. I think a dash might work better, but that's just my personal opinion.
Unemployment, and a
constant barrage from the
Nothing's favored monster:
the tempest Hurricane.
That comma after "unemployment" seems unnecessary.
This young woman had an
old dinghy, so she ripped
down her kitchen curtains,
and rigged a make-shift sail.
Why "this" and not simply "the?"
I think you should omit the comma after "curtains" and change the last line to "to rig a make-shift sail."
On another sherbert-
colored morning she left
that old rock behind, and
settled in her sailboat.
That comma after behind seems unnecessary. It distracts from the flow of that stanza.
She rode out on the waves,
pitted her skill against
that wily foe: the current.
I checked the meter of the whole poem and this was the only place I found where it didn't work - "that wi-ly foe: the curr-ent" is seven syllables. How about "that wi-ly foe: curr-ents?"
Those left on the Island
knew that Futility:
It could not be escaped.
I don't know why "Futility" is capitalized, but maybe I'm missing something. Also, maybe change the colon into a dash, but again, I think that's just personal preference.
I agree, it's a little cutesy, but in a good way that doesn't distract from the story you're telling.
Either way, I like the new ending and I hope you take the fact that I want it to be longer as the compliment it is intended to be
--
Unfortunately, I type faster than I think.
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